Co-dependency and people-pleasing are struggles many Christians face, often disguised as virtues like selflessness and kindness. While Jesus calls us to love and serve others, He does not command us to be enslaved to their expectations. Many believers wrestle with guilt over setting boundaries, fearing they are failing to “be like Christ.” However, as Dr. Henry Cloud writes in Boundaries, “We are responsible to others and for ourselves” (Cloud & Townsend). True Christian love includes wisdom, discernment, and personal responsibility—not sacrificing our emotional and spiritual well-being to appease others.
The Trap of People-Pleasing
People-pleasers often seek approval, fearing rejection or conflict. They may struggle with saying no, feeling they must always accommodate others. This mindset, while seeming loving, can lead to resentment, burnout, and even enable unhealthy behaviors in relationships. The Bible warns against this misplaced fear:
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)
Jesus Himself never lived in fear of human approval. He healed on the Sabbath despite religious leaders’ disapproval (Mark 3:1-6), spoke hard truths that offended many (John 6:60-66), and ultimately chose the Father’s will over pleasing the crowds. If Christ, our perfect example, refused to be controlled by others’ expectations, we too must learn to live for God’s approval, not man’s.
Jesus’ Compassion Without Co-Dependency
A key reason Christians struggle with boundaries is a misunderstanding of Jesus’ compassion. He was deeply moved by people’s suffering, yet He did not allow their demands to dictate His actions. Consider His interaction with the rich young ruler in Mark 10:17-22. Jesus loved the man but did not chase after him when he walked away unwilling to surrender his wealth. Love does not mean meeting every demand; sometimes, love means letting go.
Jesus also withdrew to pray alone, despite the needs of the crowds (Luke 5:16). He knew that His time with the Father was crucial, teaching us that self-care and spiritual renewal are not selfish but necessary. If Jesus prioritized time away from people to seek God’s presence, how much more should we?
Biblical Boundaries: A Model for Healthy Relationships
Dr. Henry Cloud explains that boundaries define what is ours to control and what is not. We are called to love others, but we cannot take responsibility for their emotions, decisions, or actions. Galatians 6:2 tells us to “bear one another’s burdens,” but just a few verses later, Galatians 6:5 clarifies that “each will have to bear his own load.” Healthy relationships balance support with personal responsibility.
Establishing boundaries means learning to say no when needed, as Jesus did (Luke 12:13-14). It means loving people without enabling destructive behaviors. It means recognizing that our worth comes from God, not from human approval.
Walking in Freedom
Breaking free from co-dependency requires a shift in focus. Instead of seeking approval from people, we fix our eyes on Christ, trusting His love is enough. As we walk in obedience, we learn that true peace comes not from pleasing others but from resting in the security of God’s grace.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
Healthy boundaries, rooted in biblical wisdom, free us to love others as Christ did—compassionately, but with clarity and conviction.
Reformed Faith Insights 